I have got to be free

I love to write because it is my best form of communicating with the people around me. When I speak, sometimes I get nervous and it just does not come out right, but when I write I can be so clear and I tend to expose even the things that I am ashamed of about myself. I don’t know, maybe I am afraid to hear my sins out loud. Maybe then it becomes real. Well, there is one thing that sits at the pit of my stomach taunting me and daring me to release it, and it doesn’t care where it comes out or from which end. So I will be somewhat of a coward and release my imperfection the best way I know how, and I won’t regret it. I suggest that if there is something that you have been holding in that has, in any way, hindered you from thinking higher, find your best medium and let go…

Now that I am nearly 25 years old, I know more than I did when I was a child thinking as a child. I was innocuous as God intended me to be. I was discouraged and I believe that God did not condone it. For whatever reason, I do not believe that God expected me to live in self pity or disappointment my whole life, as I thought he did. I guess this is why it is said in Ephesians 6:4, “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath, but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” The simple reality is that I am not the only one who had to grow up to understand life. It takes experiences and many hardships and joyous occasions to gain even an ounce of wisdom. I know now that I was hurt and broken as a child, even with a God fearing mother who nurtured and loved me with everything she had. Even still, I felt abandoned and useless and my father was to blame.

There are so many of us who have experienced that feeling from youth where there is an absence of a parent. We have been told to get over it and not even sure what part to overcome. Some were told that you weren’t the only person to experience that pain, but in your selfishness you could only understand your own feelings, and rightfully so, you were inexperienced and innocent. Someone else had to live with it, and, as a result, so did you. In my mutinous teen years, I decided that I had a right to be angry and feel wrath in my heart, and I rebelled against everyone who told me to forget about it.

Needless to say, my wrath spread like cancer and latched on to innocent by-standards who had no clue what was coming there way. Poor things, they had no clue that it was no ordinary man who ripped my heart into pieces, it was my own blood. It was my father. It was a man who transmitted symbols that I decoded as rejection. I was furious and I had nothing to give because I didn’t like this little girl who was discarded, disregarded, and still unexposed to a method of true healing.

Then, I got older. I reached out to my cancer and said I will fix this. I will heal my wounds, I will be courageous and strong and I will devise an answer whether it is true or not. I was determined to understand and have what was not given to me. So I asked my father to explain himself and I demanded a relationship. Sparks flew and my wrath was a consuming flame. He was impassive and unresponsive, but I was literally destroyed.

So I stopped.

The loneliness I felt, I prayed and asked God to take it away. I declared that I must be set free. Paul said that the word of God is not bound, so it didn’t matter the plight my physical body and my mind endured. I knew that God had the power to speak peace over my life no matter how I felt and I would be free because He said so. God had indeed broken that chain, but I still had more to learn.

Recently, I decided to look over my mother’s life—the experiences that she exposed me to and the feelings that she intimately shared with me as her only daughter—and I began to realize that the woman who she was at my age was no different than the woman who I embrace in my own skin. There is truly nothing new under the sun. Now that she is wiser, I look at her in amazement and I see how she has healed where scars once would not mend. I remember the mistakes she made and owned up to as a woman. In return, I look at myself and see all of my imperfections and short comings and I realize that my mistakes have hurt people. I have walked away from some people without ever wondering how they were affected. I have said things that did not build one of God’s creations up to his standards. I am, on many occasions, more selfish than necessary. I am eager, and I mean so eager that I do not use God’s strength to wait, sometimes.

Essentially, I am no different than my father at his 20 years.

He made mistakes and so have I. I held him accountable, so what makes me any different? His blood runs through my veins, though I forget this at times, but my body never disregards this truth. I had to learn to understand that I only have one Father in heaven. My dad on earth is human and made of imperfections and, just like me, he must be forgiven.

I was urged to share my revelation because I believe that no one should be chained to such pain that provokes him or her to wrath. God’s only intention is for us to grow daily. He desires for us to bear fruit in abundance. We are free to worship God no matter what earthly situation we are in. Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty (2 Corinthians 3:17). He never intended for us to remain in the same broken spirit. There is a proper way of healing, and I believe I figured it out: forgiveness and mercy, because I need that everyday and I can not deny any one of mercy unless God should deny me; the spirit of God to set me free from the mind games, the lies, the hurt, and to fill the empty space; and an honest reflection of me and of the pain I have imparted to others.

The truth is—you and I were never alone. We only needed to fill our empty space with our true Father and we never truly understood how important it is to forgive others, even our father or mother, for their imperfections. If you are hurting, you need only to believe that God can speak and you will be healed. And I don't know about you, but I have got to be free!

Be blessed, family, and THINK HIGHER!!